Starving for Truth
by Nette
Summary: Carter and Abby after 7.22 - "Rampage".


**Rating**: PG  
**Spoilers**: No spoilers if you have seen up to 7.22 - "Rampage".  
**Summary**: Carter and Abby after 7.22 - "Rampage".  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything ... ; )  
**Feedback**: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! nettemailsyahoo.de or use the review button. ; )  
**Author's notes**: This is my entry for the "One Can Only Hope" fanfic challenge in September. It's set after Carter and Abby talk at the river in 7.22 - "Rampage".  
This is the first part of a two parter .. it was supposed to be concluded in the October challenge .. but I didn't have time to write it yet .. but I will .. I promise. ; )  
Thank you Jo for beta reading! ::hugs::  
And thank you Cec for coming up with the title! ::hugs:: It's a line from "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse.  
  
The challenge was:  
- write an angsty breakup of Carter and Abby  
- and at the end of the fic they should still be apart and upset/angry/annoyed with each other. Or one more annoyed at the other, which ever way you're taking this ..  
- 1500 to 2000 words  
  
**"Starving for Truth"**  
  
_"I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka."_ – His words still echo in my ears, even though he said them minutes ago.  
_"I don't want to be your friend."_ – Words that still hurt while I stand at the river, my eyes following his vanishing figure as he walks back to the hospital – every single one of his large and quick steps taking him a little further away from me – out of my life?  
  
I was tempted to call out his name .. make him come back to me .. make him face me. And I'm still tempted. But I decide against it. And now he's out of my reach already .. he wouldn't hear me anyway.  
  
And I guess that's what I was really waiting for .. to have an excuse.  
I didn't know what to say anyway. My mind is blank.  
  
All I feel right now is anger.  
What was he thinking? Why did he do this? Everything was so .. easy. No .. not easy. But .. convenient.  
  
He's right – I'm with Luka. Why couldn't he just leave it at that? Why did he have to ruin everything? Why couldn't he keep things simple?  
  
And why are tears gathering in my eyes?  
  
---  
  
I'm sitting on the couch, a blanket wrapped around me tightly – despite the fair temperature .. I'm freezing – and stare blankly at the TV.  
  
I have no idea what's on, but the sound coming from it molded together to one silent murmur in the far distance is soothing while my mind is occupied with other things.  
With John Carter to be precise. It has been since the afternoon by the river. And I don't see my thoughts stopping turning around him any time soon.  
  
I want to turn back time .. just a few hours .. just to the moment he joined me on the bench .. I want the following minutes to disappear.  
But I know it's not possible. You can't take back a spoken word – it will always remain heard .. and the changes it caused won't go away.  
  
And something _did_ change. He was avoiding me the whole rest of my shift at the hospital .. a blind person could see that nothing was as it had been before.  
And it's killing me that everything changed.  
  
I cringe when I feel a hand on my shoulder, soft lips caressing my neck gently, bringing me out of my thoughts. But I try not to show it .. try to stay focused on the TV.  
I completely forgot that I'm not alone.  
  
"Luka .. I'm watching this," I tell him as I take his hand away from my shoulder and lean away from him to be out of reach for the touch of his lips on my skin.  
I was hoping that my fake smile was enough to convince him – but he gives me a suspicious look anyway and frowns.  
"You're watching this?" he asks me surprised. "Since when are you so interested in the news?" he adds, waiting for my answer.  
  
I blink and actually focus on the TV now.  
He's right .. the news .. "Uh .. you know that guy on rampage today? I just wanted to see if they say something about that .."  
Phew .. good one .. I think. I hope he'll buy it.  
  
"Oh," he says and nods. But what he's doing now is really not what I was hoping for.  
He inches closer towards me, wrapping his arm around me once again, just tighter this time, pulling me close to him, kissing my forehead gently. "What that man did today was horrible .. Are you okay?"  
  
No, I'm not. But this is Luka and me. "Yeah, I'm okay," I try to reassure him, trying to free myself from his embrace without him noticing it. "I was really just interested .."  
He nods again, taking his arm away from me, going back to his previous spot on the couch, staring with me at the TV.  
  
Has it always been like this? When did it become so awkward between us?  
  
Minutes pass and while we both keep our eyes fixed on the TV, his presence becomes unbearable for me .. all I want is to get out of here.  
I have to get out of here. "I think I'll go for a walk. Don't wait for me .. you can go to bed when you're tired," I inform him and stand up from the couch, leaving him there alone.  
  
He just nods again. Despite the late hour – he doesn't ask where I'm going or when I'll be back .. doesn't try to keep me from going. I guess he knows that he won't get an honest answer anyway.  
"You know if you want to talk .."  
"I know."  
  
I grab my jacket and shoes and head out into the night – not knowing where to go, hoping that some fresh air will clear my mind.  
  
But it didn't.  
To head through the dark, cold and empty streets of Chicago all alone at night didn't help a thing. I walked past the bench, rehearsing our conversation. And it makes me even more angry .. I don't want to lose him as my friend.  
  
And now I'm standing in front of the hospital. Maybe to work a little will keep my mind busy and away from all the thoughts about him.  
  
"Abby, what are you doing here?" Haleh greets me. "Love this place so much that you missed it?" she asks me with a wink.  
I choose to ignore her comment and walk past her with a smile, heading for the lounge to change into my scrubs.  
  
I freeze when I open the door. The room is not empty.  
I see Carter standing at his locker, apparently just about to go home.  
I stand in the doorframe and debate with myself whether to turn around and go home or to face him and talk to him.  
  
The decision is taken away from me as he turns around and looks at me.  
I take a step inside, closing the door behind me while he puts his lab coat into his locker and takes a few steps towards me.  
"Abby .. I .."  
  
But I don't let him get much further. I don't know why .. but suddenly all my emotions come to the surface. And before I know what I'm doing, my mouth opens and all these words tumble out of me.  
  
"Why?" I demand and look into his eyes. "Why did you have to do this? What were you thinking? Were you thinking at all?" I almost yell at him.  
He just stares at me in disbelief. "What?"  
"Why did you say all these things? Did you even spend a second to think about what it means for me? Do you know how much that changes everything? Do you have an idea of how important our friendship is for me? And you ruin it all within a few minutes. Everything was so easy."  
  
He takes a step back and turns away from me, running his hands through his hair, before he turns back around. "If I spent a second to think about what it means for _you_? You know what, Abby?" he asks me, trying to calm down. "Thinking about you is all I did for the past few weeks. Thinking about you .. me .. us .. That's all that was going around in my head. You're one of the most important people in my life, Abby. And our friendship means a lot to me. And for me it's even more than that. And I just couldn't keep doing that anymore. I couldn't keep watching you with another man .. I couldn't be so close to you all the time but so far away at the same time. I .." he begins, but stops mid-sentence to go over to his locker and take his jacket.  
  
"You?" I ask carefully.  
  
He shakes his head, throws his locker door shut and heads for the door. But before he opens it, he turns back around and looks at me. "If _you_ spent a single second thinking about what this means for _me_ .. you wouldn't be standing here and talking to me like this .. You wouldn't accuse me of destroying something .. You would see that this is hurting me, too .. probably more than you know. And that what I said there this afternoon took a lot from me .. Maybe it was all easy and convenient for you .. but it wasn't for me." He shakes his head again. "Maybe it's the best to leave county for good."  
  
With that he opens the door and leaves.  
I can't move .. I can't think .. I can't do anything. The fear to lose him for good almost keeps me from breathing. I don't want to lose him.  
  
I just stare at the still swinging door, looking at the stunned faces outside every time the door opens.  
  
To be continued ..  



End file.
